Do you ever have a day where you are just buzzing right along, not looking for any sort of heart jerking moments and then BAM! Your heart literally aches over the moment which snuck up on you? Well it happened to me the other day as I was doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning nooks and crannies. Very normal routine, nothing extremely revelatory about the day or hour, until I stumbled across one sock in the staircase. It was enough to almost make me fall down the stairs into my basement, where my washer and dryer reside. I could not believe what this tiny dirty toddler sock, which must have escaped my last laundry basket load, did to me.
I could not process the feeling and emotions I experienced in the moment. As the day progressed I formed words which matched my emotions. I decided the only way to write this in the form of a letter to my son.
Thank you for making me a mother. Before I was your mom I was quite naïve. I thought I had a decent grasp and was responsible for my age. I considered myself to be direct and know my path. I was a driven, strong woman, who knew what she wanted from life. Once I became your mom it was all very clear to me how little I knew about myself and just how clueless I have always been, at least until you came into the picture. You have taught more lessons than I even knew were in the book.
You have taught me time is fleeting, I have had quite a few folks tell me this and I even read this in the bible, but never took it to heart. Until I watched you grow faster every day. I began truly believing this concept when I watched my once small baby who could barely crack a smile, stand before me telling me a joke while he waited in anticipation of my laughter.
You have taught me nothing is more important than the moment I am currently in. I have always struggled with being present, and not trying to rush to the next to-do item. You have taught me the best moment is the present. I still struggle with this concept, but I promise I will try to be more and more present, for rushing ahead does nothing but take me closer to the moment you will not need me quite like you do now.
You have taught me what unconditional love truly means. I thought I knew, I did not have a clue. Now, I know. No matter where you go, what you do, you cannot escape my love. You will always be my baby boy. You will always have a mother’s love to shroud your steps. Quite like our heavenly Father, I now know, there is nothing which can separate my love from you.
You have taught me how quick a child’s heart forgives. You love me and you may get mad at me. You even kick me sometimes, but you always call for me when you are scared or hurt. You always want the bedtime hugs and kisses. You never shut me out for long. You forgive whatever wrong you believe I have done and quickly return to mommy’s arms.
You have taught me how grateful hearts should act. I do not always do a very good job of this when the laundry is piled high and the house is a wreck. But more and more I am realizing everything is a mess because I have a wonderful life full of blessings. Each blessing makes their own little mess and I find it all through the house. Whether it be your daddy forgetting to put away his cup, or you are leaving socks and cookies all around the house, I am doing a better job of remembering how to remain grateful in those moments. Without my blessings, I would have the cleanest house and the emptiest heart.
Son, you are the biggest blessing I have ever received. Your smile warms my heart, your laugh make my day. But if I had a self-evaluation for motherhood I believe I would always rate myself low. Thankfully, all you need is love and my time. I struggle, but I know if you could leave me a comment card on my job performance, more than likely it would say “give her more cookies, she’s the best”. Your tiny sock in the staircase is no mess. It is my beautiful life. Blessed beyond measure.
Thank you for loving me the way you do. You are my boy. You are my little love.
My prayer for you as you read – may all parents have a moment to pause in the Chaos of Christmas morning with their littles for they will only be little for a short while.