I really am not sure where to take this post, but I know quite a few people have wondered about my pregnancy and life as of lately. I have been rather quiet on the blog front, mostly because it is a slow go and not much change has happened in life recently, other than the size of my belly! And of course my ability to move quickly. HA!
One thing I have noticed recently changing is the emotions I have toward this pregnancy and the upcoming life changes. I have heard other mothers speak of the various feelings and concerns surrounding baby number two. Well I have noticed mine are similar but quite different. Similar in the fact of apprehension and concerns, different in the source. Let me clarify.
I have heard other mommas state, I just do not know how I am going to love someone as much as I love my first child.
Well, here is the point blank truth for this momma. I really did not LOOOOVE my child for quite some time after he was born. At first I thought something was wrong with me, or I should not be a mother because the instinct of love at first sight was not present. But I learned, no, I am just different and had my own journey to take.
Now before you throw stones at me and call me horrible, stick with me as I clarify. I would gladly throw myself in front of truck if it meant my son were to have a wonderful life without any hardships. BUT, when he was first born, all he did was scream at me, poop and pee on me. I knew I needed to care for this tiny bundle deeply, but the heart-wrenching love had not appeared for me yet. I was so scared and confused by his aching belly and gut wrenching cry times (TRUE colic baby mommas know what I mean), I really struggled with learning to rip my heart out for this tiny being. But of course, as time progressed, despite the pooping, peeing, screaming bundles’ behavior; my heart eventually swallowed him with love. So, I KNOW I will love this child the same and in my own way as my love grows and changes. But whether it be right away, or a few weeks/months into the number two baby momma life, I am not sure.
My concern is rather, how will I be a good momma to both of these boys? Will I be enough for both of them? Will one of them feel as if they do not measure up to the other? Will they ever doubt my love because of my behavior?
I doubt my own ability to be a good mother to two children. Not my ability to love unconditionally and separately.
As the time approaches I know there is not choice in the matter. Soon baby boy bundle two will be laying on my chest glancing up at me as my three year old pleads for my undivided play time and attention. I will learn. I trust I will find a balance, but the concern is ever present.
Other emotions I find myself dealing with is the ever present desire to spend every moment possible with my first born before this chapter closes.
When I tell people this statement they lovingly say “oh it is not a chapter close but a beginning” or something around those lines. I think you misunderstand what I mean. Yes, it is a chapter closing, the chapter called “Family of Three”. But there is another chapter equally beautiful and fun right behind it. But I find myself slowly feeling the letters of each page of this chapter rather than rushing to turn the page. I want to see every moment and watch my son ever so closely as he is still the only child in the home. I want to remember how he is now and watch as he grows into a big brother soon. I do not want to see him grow into a brother just yet. I want to see him in the now. He will forever be a big brother to Elias, but he will not forever be the littlest love of my heart. I say all of this with a warming welcome and desire to meet Elias soon. But with a true desire to be an ever present mother now. Letting the dishes pile, the floors feel sticky, and toys mounds grow. I am the worst in the moment person ever; until now. Every cuddle, every adventure, every kiss, I relish. For soon, my son, you will be mommy’s helper as you care and love your brother.
The last concern I have is the mother I will be to boys.
As I shared in a previous blog, being a boy mom is more than cute hashtags and fun shirts. It is serious business. I am in a huge role in the world we live in. I must raise leaders and husbands who know not just how to love, but know how to lead. I must nurture their wildness and teach them contentment. I need to know when to say get up you are just fine, and when to rush to their side with kisses and cuddles. Mommas, our world is scary and the men in our world have been taken down a notch by lack of love and examples. It is not their fault some find it difficult to care for the needs of a woman if they were never shown unconditional love and care by someone in their lives. But it is our responsibility as mothers to grow a deep seed in our own son’s heart and plant in others when we can. I am far from perfect in this area and desire to make a bigger impact, but an example of what I mean happened to me just the other day at the waterpark.
As I watched my son proudly come down the slide and look for my approval with every turn, another very young boy began to gravitate to the praises. Eventually, a complete stranger (me) was his source of reassurance. Over and over again, he came down the slide and asked if I was watching him too. My response, of course! “You are ever so talented and I am very impressed with your sliding skills!” It hurt my heart to see a child hungry for love and attention from someone he had never met. Now I understand this does not necessarily mean he does not get it at home, but you can see where it sparked my interest in showing more love and more care to any child who crosses my path.
Small opportunities are around us every day with children, if we look up from our own agendas and cellphones. Yes I said it. I do it too. Get consumed in my phone and everything it has to offer. Instead I must realize pouring out praises, love, and pats on the back will change our future generations. Rather than glueing a phone to my forehead. And as a mother of two sons, I find this even more important as I see the youth around me yearn for attention through social media posts. They seek reassurance. They seek love. They seek attention. How scary to know likes on a post are replacing pats on the back.
I pray for my sons’ future every day. Sometimes I do not know exactly what to pray, but I know I must pray. They have much to face and must have strong shoulders to make a difference in this world. I hope and pray I can be the example to two sons and teach them everything I desire for their hearts; strength, love, and leadership. I know I will struggle and not always succeed. I know I will need to push the do-over button on some days which pass. But I pray my focus is always on the how to raise my sons in a Godly home, teaching them through the love I have for the Father, their dad, and them. A home full of love, peace, and kindness.